Letting Your Casa Mirror Your Spirit

“Disturbo O-s-s-e-s-s-i-v-o – C-o-m-p-u-l-s-i-v-o,” I once enunciated to my non-psychologist Amalfitana friend Graziella to explain obsessive compulsive disorder. This, after discovering that I could see my reflection in the highly polished finish of her floors.

“You can read a person’s heart by the way they keep house,” she replied calmly as we sat in her large airy villa overlooking the placid gulf of Salerno. We had been discussing a headline in the Corriere della Sera: Italy Beats U.S. 21-4. That wasn’t the latest soccer score, but instead the results of a recent market research survey, reflecting the number of hours Italian versus American women dedicate to maintaining their homes each week. While most Americans, myself included, might consider the hours Italian women spend cleaning excessive, Italians say that when you cherish your home, you cherish yourself. When you’re feeling good, you pretty up your home; when you’re feeling down, a pretty home lifts you up. “It doesn’t take a lot of euro to clear out clutter, polish floors, or tastefully decorate,” Graziella told me.

The interiors of all Italian homes, from tiny apartment to sprawling villa, whether ornately Mediterranean or modern minimalist, are united by one common denominator: uncluttered loving care. A well-groomed home nurtures all who enter with serenity, aesthetic pleasure, and inviting warmth. Italian decorators know that color matters, too. Choose brighter colors if you want a stimulating atmosphere or darker colors for a more calming effect. Graziella picked warm salmon for her walls, terracotta for the floors, and overstuffed cream leather upholstery to soften the angular spaciousness. Each piece served a dual purpose of functionality and beautification. Bowls of spiced potpourri blended a baked-goods aroma with the salty ocean air flowing in from the windows. Sitting here felt like paradise and impressed on me the power of a room to comfort, nurture, relax, or renew. It is all in how you arrange it, decorate it, and yes -- care for it. Graziella’s advice for making home where the heart is?

“Weave love into every room of your house. Think of your castle as the canvas upon which you paint a beautiful life.”

The "Che ci posso fare" Way of Letting Go

I’ve seen Marianna, Rosaria, Concetta, Nerio, Nunzio, Mario, and countless other Italian friends and relatives do it: I am referring to the unmistakable ability to size up a problem al volo, on the fly, and decide whether there is anything to be done about it or not. If yes, then a creative or practical solution is put into effect without fanfare. If no -- then, like the Serenity Prayer that counsels us to accept that which we cannot change -- there is an almost imperceptible shrug of the shoulders, elbows bent, palms facing upward as the sacrosanct phrase of absolution is uttered: che ci posso fare, loosely translated as “what are you going to do?”

As a kid growing up, I didn’t understand how this wise phrase reflected a mental turning point that allows you to put an impossible worry behind you and get back to the business of enjoying life. Who’s to say that with the passage of time a solution won’t come to you? Often it does. More often you realize that mountain of a problem was only a matter of perception, and now you perceive it as a molehill, hardly worth wringing your hands over.

Don’t get me wrong: I am all for taking action in response to life’s everyday problems. But I also have found that true serenity can be learned from the Bel Paese abitudine, of first determining if you want to, need to, or even can do something about a problem that has been making you miserable. Then realize that sometimes the best solution for an impossible situation is to accept it, let it go, and move yourself forward.

Family Traditions Mean Emotional Security

These days, change is happening fast. Banks are merging, companies downsizing, people relocating to where they can find work. In all of this confusion we can find an anchor of serenity if we look to that which is immutable: family rituals and traditions. On Xmas Eve I make fish as my great grandmothers did; when company stops in, I put on the machinetta for espresso and pull out the Sambuca, the way my mother used to. On my end tables sit delicately woven baskets that my zia Cristina once made by hand in the grain fields near Benevento, and on my walls hang artwork from my Calabrese artist ancestors. I didn’t invent these rituals and traditions; they were passed down to me through the generations, and I feel blessed to come from a cultural background that emphasizes preserving the “old ways”. Italy is a culture of tradition—from the yearly Venetian carnevale to the exodus from the cities on ferragosto. It is a culture of people who maintain the ritual of the afternoon caffe’ like their fathers and gread-grandmothers before them, and on Sunday, everyone still sits down to a leisurely afternoon pranzo, no matter what else is going on in the world.
If you’ve let the traditions of your ancestors fade away, now might be a good time to bring them back. Intergenerational rituals are not mindless rote activities that have no purpose. Tradition is about carrying on the rhythm of emotional security. There is calm and comfort in letting yourself be gently guided by generations who have paved the way before you . Human beings (especially in these times) crave and need security in various forms—financial, physical, and emotional. From newborn to elderly and all ages in between we feel safe when we establish meaningful routines, such as those our ancestors kept to. You don’t have to be of Italian heritage to explore (or start) family rituals and traditions. If you are unsure of your own familial traditions and want to see if they bring a measure of comfort to your emotional life, try asking an elderly aunt, or uncle, or see if a sister or brother can recall something about how your ancestors lived their lives. Look at old photos, or dig up some facts about the towns your grandparents grew up in to see what traditions were practiced in that time period and locale. It takes very little effort to reconnect to the heritage that anchors you, and the payoff can be big, in terms of your serenity.

The Power of a Bel Sorriso (smile)

Two years ago, I had the honor of taking part in the celebration of my new little cousin Carmine’s baptism in Castelpagano, Italy. At the restaurant after the ceremony, a local band played great Italian music from classic to modern ballads. I danced more Tarantellas than I had danced in my whole life and ate more aromatic lasagna than I dared ever eat between monthly weigh-ins. Oh, what splendid abandonment! But even more galvanizing than the music or the food was the charismatic smile of the 20-something lead singer Michele.

Michele, nurse by day and singer by night, skipped joyfully around the tables as he belted out powerful vocal melody, holding his microphone as if it were an aspergillum sprinkling holy water on the faithful. Then, directly gazing into the eyes of the guests, he flashed a sorriso (smile) that beamed energy into each of its recipients, reawakening them to the profound joy of feeling alive. Like Michele, we too have the power to draw people in and make them feel great to be around us, and that power lies in our own energetic smiles. The purity of a smile that has no agenda other than to communicate happiness has a power all its own. This simple pleasure is what the dolce vita is really about.

Remember this as you go through your day: Even when you don’t feel like smiling, just try it, and see how it can dramatically change not only your mood, but the energy of those around you.

The "Arrangiarsi" Mindset

We all know what the Italian philosophy of the arte d’arrangiarsi is, the characteristic bel paese approach to overcoming obstacles with the determination to get by, no matter what. That means when faced with adversity you find a way to go around it, take another route, or plough through it and somehow push yourself to move on. Life is about moving on, isn’t it? But did you know how this confident mindset of arrangiarsi actually contributes to psychological resiliency? There is a theory called “broaden and build”. It starts with the premise that negative (defeatist) and positive (can-do) emotions compliment and balance each other. Often, we have a full repertoire of negative emotions at the ready--emotions of sadness, distress, negativity, etc--- and we neglect to exercise the positive emotions that can balance our state of mind. Those positive emotions would include joy, contentment, and interest. We must make using these positive mental muscles more frequently if we want to be able to get by no matter what life hands us. Like anything else, the more you use them, the better they will work to help give us the mental resiliency we need to be able to bounce back from adversity. Being able to easily summon up positive emotions helps us actually regulate negative experiences. Which one of us hasn’t faced some kind of difficulty in ’08? I urge you to practice the confident mindset of arrangiarsi each and every day. It’s like putting money in the bank when you need it.

5 Secrets for a "Dolce Vita" Even if the Rest of the World is in Chaos

The "dolce vita" model I use to coach my clients is rooted in ancient Italian lifestyle habits, which the field of psychology has verified as a means to physical and emotional well-being. Most people come to me seeking a lifestyle makeover. A fresh new start, where all of the complications and entanglements of excessive overdrawn living, give way to a pure, authentic way of being. Wouldn't you like to be able to feel the joy of the little things again, and melt your worries until they dissapate into thin air? I can help . Here are five ways to start your journey, and if you'd like a mentor, write to set up a free 1/2 hour laser coaching session to get a taste of whether life coaching is for you. Info@dolcevitaseminars.com. Now let's take this step by step:
Step 1: Pare down to basics. Examine your bills and call companies to remove the extra services you don't need. Examine your wardrobe and sell or donate what you haven't worn for a year or more. Learn to say "no" so you can simplify your daily schedule. finally, cut "noisy thoughts" from your mind by substituing with long deep breaths.
Step 2: Cut out excess! We don't need 3 vacations a year, or to go to restaurants several times a week. You can save money by forgoing last minute items at the supermarket, and opting for freebies--like walking instead of going to the gym for exercise; brown-bagging it instead of buying lunch from the cafeteria.
Step 3: Keep your life balanced. Chaos comes from being overwhelmed with "to do " lists. 'Remember there is a time for work, and a time for play. Make sure your social relationships are healthy and positive, and that you also devote a certain amount of time to your spiritual nature.
Step 4: Use the One-Happiness-a-Day Rule: Make a list of things that make you smile. Then make sure you do one every day. Go out for coffee with your best friend; take a hot celtic salt bath with a few drops of lavender added to the water; work on a project you're good at so that you feel a sense of accomplishment.
Step 5. Project a Positive Energy. While most people are running around scared and confused, you be the one who keeps calm and draws like energy to you. No one wants to be around someone who is always complaining, crying, or expressing negativity. That only makes people more frightened than they are and they will try to avoid you, not hire you, not want to go out with you. Honestly, who could blame them?

Simplicity, modest living, and balance, are key to living a "dolce vita" in a world-gone-mad. And don't forget to take real joy in every small pleasure God graces your day with.

Step Back and See the Mosaico

In wealthier ancient Roman homes, the floors of the vestibulum (the long narrow hallway) leading from the front door to the atrium would be covered with brilliant mosaic art. At short range the complexity of colors, shapes, and materials of a mosaico mesmerize us---the sparkling marble, the brilliant lapis, malachite, turquoise, mother-of-pearl, or colored glass. From close-up we may even notice flaws in the individual pieces. But those imperfections fade away as soon as we step back into the magic of the emergent image. Now a unified picture appears whose beauty transcends all tiny imperfections. The crafting of a Roman mosaic conveys a story of love, patience and the harmonious coexistence among many unique pieces—just like the living mosaic of a human life. None of us can be defined by just one material, one color, or one shape. Instead as individuals we encompass a variety of traits, behaviors, habits, and preferences, each with our share of tiny flaws and imperfections. Tolerance is what happens when we are able to step back and consider the entire person as a whole. How many times have we judged others—or ourselves-- on the basis of one flaw, one mistake, or one misunderstanding? How many times have we focused on a single insignificant imperfection, which, when given the whole picture, isn’t really important after all? We all need to remind ourselves now and then to step back see the whole mosaico, and give others---and ourselves—a much needed break!